Defensiveness is a natural response when we feel threatened, but choosing curiosity over countercriticism helps us communicate better, deepen connections, and prevent minor disagreements from turning into major conflicts.
Defensiveness is an instinctive psychological response triggered when we feel our self-esteem, beliefs, or sense of self is under attack – often leading us to deny responsibility, minimise our impact, or retaliate with criticism, even when no real attack was intended.
Structural defences have been around since humans first settled in agricultural communities and acquired land that they needed to protect – whether from other communities, wild animals, or neighbours. Loosely defined, a defence could be described as ‘the ability to protect against attack or harm, or something used to protect against attack or harm’. Defences still exist in the physical realm, of course, ranging from barbed-wire fences to nuclear weapons, but they’re also present in the psychological realm, where they take many forms.
What defensiveness really looks like
It’s fair to note that psychological defensiveness gets a bad rap. It’s often used to refer to the behaviour of people who don’t want to acknowledge that they’ve done something wrong. Someone might say: “When I asked for an apology, she became really defensive and insisted she wasn’t to blame.” When people feel defensive themselves, they make statements like: “You didn’t understand correctly” or “I only said that because you attacked me first”. It causes people to deny responsibility, minimise the impact of their actions, or seek to retaliate by being critical.
In conflict-free parts of the world, where the need for physical protection is rare, defensiveness is most often used to refer to psychological manoeuvres that people engage in when they sense a threat to their self-esteem, their views about themselves, or their beliefs. This could happen if they’re challenged about a view, or a colleague or friend notes that they’ve made a mistake. At other times, something as simple as someone disagreeing with a statement might provoke defensive behaviour.
Most people will become prickly occasionally, and defensiveness arises in many relationships during a conflict, be that with a partner, family member, colleague, or friend. Social media, which can cause people to become firmly entrenched in certain beliefs and intolerant of opposition, tends to polarise people and increase the scope for defensive responses.
Why some topics feel more tender
It’s typical for certain issues to elicit defensiveness more quickly than others. For example, a person might be fine to laugh about their poor driving skills but quickly become upset if they’re poked about their less-than-perfect spelling. Everyone has areas that feel more tender and are likely to prompt an instinctive protective reaction. They might include character traits that have previously been commented on or that a person already feels self-conscious about.
Some people are more prone to defensiveness than others. It’s a mechanism that’s often triggered when someone has low self-esteem and is quickly threatened. Paradoxically, it’s also common among those with grandiose, overly positive views of themselves, who believe they can do no wrong. Sometimes, certain relationships or situations – those where a person feels critiqued or threatened – are more likely to cause this reaction. Being defensive is most often simply a response to the perception of being attacked (even if an attack isn’t intended) and an instinctive means of guarding against emotional suffering.
How to respond to a defensive person
Knowing how to manage this reaction in others is tricky. It’s common for people to react badly when their communication style is noted, so saying “you’re being defensive” during conflict is rarely helpful. It’s important to avoid falling into widening loops of conflict, attack, and counterattack.
Defensiveness can be countered by staying calm, and saying something simple like: “I really don’t mean to attack you, I just want us to work together on this, how can we do that?” Such curious, non-blaming questions support people to start considering their patterns of behaviour. Most people have psychological blind spots and it’s common for those who are defensive to be unable to see this pattern.
When approaching conflict with someone defensive, stay calm and be prepared for them to put the barriers up. Using us/we language (instead of I/you) creates a sense of togetherness and teamwork. Focusing on the overall goal of communication, rather than getting caught up in arguing specific points, is also helpful. Ultimately, it’s more important to walk away from an interaction feeling that you’ve achieved what you set out to, rather than feeling that you’ve “won” an argument.
Managing your own defensiveness
If you’re struggling with your defensiveness, consider your behaviours carefully and think about how you respond when you feel challenged or attacked. Do you listen to feedback? Would it help to spend time reflecting before reacting? Can you respond calmly even if you disagree with someone? These are all useful to consider if you’re concerned that you fall into self-protective mode too often.
Simply reminding yourself that no one’s perfect and everyone makes mistakes can mean you’re more relaxed and less likely to perceive feedback or disagreement as a threat, or to feel upset when others are reactive. The most powerful communication tools are honesty, curiosity, and openness – bring these into the equation and everyone benefits.
Download your Defensive Guide here.
Words: Ahona Guha
This article was originally published under the title The curiosity shift in Issue 54 – As you are. – View Magazine
