Caring for a parent as they age is a difficult and exhausting endeavour. It can also be a rewarding experience, full of love and laughs, and bring a renewed sense of bonding and intimacy. The important thing is to remember to look after yourself in the process.
Here are some suggestions how to care for a parent – and yourself.
Focus your energies
That well-worn adage, “Don’t sweat the small stuff ”, is absolutely the case here. Over time, parents or guardians may change considerably, both in personality and behaviour. Frustrating though some of these may be, it’s helpful to develop a thick skin and a rosy filter when it comes to things like grumpiness, repetitiveness, or fussiness. By letting these irritations slide, you’ll have more energy for the tasks that really do matter, such as safety, medical advice, and paperwork that a parent may no longer easily handle.
Stay tuned in
When the focus of care is so centred on the parent, it can be easy to overlook stress that might be accumulating in your own life. You may put your own needs and worries to one side, feeling that to give them attention is somehow selfish or unwarranted. Be aware of how you’re feeling and ask trusted friends or family members to be on the alert for warning signs, such as withdrawal from activities, signifi cant changes in eating habits or uncharacteristic moodiness and irritability. Check in with yourself frequently, too, to note changes that may go unnoticed by others, such as disrupted sleep, frequent headaches, or minor ailments, all of which might indicate that stress is taking its toll.
Take time out
Taking time away from responsibilities is something that many people find difficult, but it’s vital if mental wellbeing and the ability to continue caring are to be preserved. The same advice that applies to taking a break from work, or to carving out me-time from parenthood, is relevant here – whether it’s seeing friends, exercising, watching a film or even just having the space to run errands and put your own home in order, it’s necessary to step away for a while. Try to look for ways to have the kind of support and back-up that allows you this respite.
Enjoy silver linings
As difficult as caring for a parent can be, the time you spend together will create opportunities to reminisce, reconnect, settle old grievances and express gratitude. It may present an opportunity to strengthen existing bonds or to reforge ones that have weakened over time. Many people, despite struggling with the demands of caring for older relatives while juggling the rest of their life responsibilities, end up feeling grateful for the chance to show their love, respect, and gratitude to the people who raised them.
Seek support
Resources exist, but people aren’t always aware of them. Try to find support groups and helpers so that you’re not entirely dependent on yourself or those close to you. Also, talk to your employer or HR department, who may be able to set your mind at ease about split commitments, time off, and entitlements.
Remember that all ties matter
It’s important to recognise that all the feelings and concerns explored here apply to anyone caring for an older or frail relative or friend. The absence of a parental link doesn’t diminish the importance of the connection, the sense of responsibility, the difficulties or the implications of the evolving relationship. There may be a tendency – on the part of others, or even yourself – to dismiss how difficult the situation is when it’s not a “mother” or “father” in the conventional sense, but the implications of care and responsibility (while juggling your own life) are not dependent on blood ties. Acknowledge what you are going through without feeling that it’s less worthy than the experience of someone whose situation involves a birth parent
