Not everyone’s a natural caregiver – and that’s okay. Discover how to support others with care, set boundaries, and honour your own strength along the way.
Caregiving is a personal quality that’s almost universally lauded. During times of crisis, it’s something people learn to deeply value. Think of how first responders and community volunteers are often celebrated for their dedication during natural disasters or emergencies. Then consider those caregivers who rarely receive public acclaim but deserve it nevertheless for choosing such a path – the foster parents who provide a safe harbour for vulnerable children, the faith leader or counsellor who offers balm in troubled times. In your own life, you probably know a few people who radiate care – the friend who provides a shoulder for your tears, the family member who’s reliable with hugs and tea, the colleague who remembers your birthday and goes the extra mile to buy you something heartfelt and personal.
Natural caregivers rarely receive public appreciation. In fact, they’re often taken for granted. Perhaps this is because the quality of caregiving is something many people feel they ought to have. Agreeableness is one of the generally accepted “big five” basic personality traits, and is seen to manifest as altruism, kindness, and care. At the other end of the scale is disagreeableness, manifesting in socially unpleasant behaviour. I know which end of the scale I’d rather be on.
Practical ways to show you care
Want to support a loved one going through a tough time, but have no idea what to do? Try the following…
Communicate with them
If you’re able to reach out, remember that your communication doesn’t have to be perfect. It can be basic – even a text to say: “Thinking of you and sending love” is better than silence. It’s a small way that you can show care – and delaying while you agitate over the appropriate message or medium won’t help them or you.
Circumstances might mean they won’t acknowledge or reply to your communication, and that’s okay.
Ask them what they need
If you’re in the position of caring for a loved one, ask them what they need. ‘It sounds incredibly obvious,’ says Aaron, ‘but often, if people aren’t intuitive carers, they can find themselves providing what they think somebody needs, rather than asking what they can do.
That sort of discussion is important.’ State your question plainly. Don’t text: “Let me know if there’s any way I can help?” unless you’re just being polite and have no intention of offering any help. Ask directly: “What do you need?”
Set boundaries
Recognise what you’re less able to do – whether that’s related to your time, finances, or abilities as a caregiver. Your own care needs might also mean you’re less able at this moment to provide optimal care to others.
Boundaries are healthy, and it’s okay to set them. If there’s an option to say “No” or “Not now”, acknowledge that it won’t make you a bad person to do so.
Play to your strengths
‘Caring takes a lot of different forms. And people with a wide range of skills can apply them to caring as well,’ says Aaron. ‘Play to your strengths to support them, in a way which works for you.’ Ruth agrees, suggesting you ask yourself: “What can I do in my own way to show care?” She suggests that if the “emotional door” isn’t your thing, then perhaps the physical or mental door might be the strength you can use. You might not be great with hugs, but you’re brilliant at practical help. You might be less hands-on, but you’re an ace problem solver. You’ll have strengths that can be used to show you care, if that feels right to you.
For advice, information, and support, visit Carers Australia at carersaustralia.com.au.
