Relying on social camouflage might be doing a disservice to your true self.
Many animals use camouflage as a form of protection – polar bears’ white coats help conceal them from other bears as well as poachers. Various types of lizard blend in with their surroundings to disguise themselves from predators. Humans also use a form of camouflage, not as a defence against physical dangers, but to shield themselves from social threat. Not being accepted, loved, or understood poses significant risks to wellbeing. From the moment a person is born, they adapt their behaviour to make sure they get the care they need. This social camouflage is known by psychologists as “masking” and is used to describe the process of blending in with the crowd.
Why do people use social camouflage?
Fitting in with peers is a strategy inherited from primitive times. Being an outcast back then meant the chances of survival were dramatically reduced. These days, rather than simply ensuring physical safety, fitting in with other people contributes significantly to self-esteem. Social media means that being liked and popular is seen as a measure of a person’s worth more than ever before.
Presenting a perfect version of your life is easy to do online. Some people will take 100 photos for every one that they post, and even then, it might be put through filters to make it even more appealing. But a form of editing happens offline, too – this is where social camouflage comes in. It might mean laughing at jokes that you don’t find funny, pretending you enjoyed a book when you didn’t, never going out without make-up, or pretending to like a hobby you’re not interested in. Presenting yourself in a way that ensures you’ll be liked and accepted is a growing pressure in the 21st century.
Everyone is different, and the pressure to conform to society’s norms is felt unevenly. Some people are naturally shy, while others are more gregarious. Some learn in early childhood that being sociable is fun and positive, while others associate it with being criticised and vilified.
Neurodiversity widens this spectrum further. Those with autism or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, for example, might find they function more effectively in calm, quiet conditions, and that they feel most relaxed on their own or in smaller groups. These differences, alongside social pressures, can exacerbate a sense that it’s somehow necessary to hide who you really are.
The hidden downsides of trying to fit in
Masking is an adaptive strategy to help ease social interactions, so it must be a good thing, right? Not entirely. While a little camouflaging can ease unfamiliar or awkward social situations, if you rely on it most of the time, it becomes a crutch. And if you don’t feel comfortable being yourself, whether on social media or at a party, others won’t get to know the real you.
When you doubt that you’ll be accepted for your true self, or you feel unskilled socially, it’s natural to think you need to change yourself to fit in. But while this might make you feel more secure, or even popular, it can be a false reward. Approval gained in this way can leave you wondering if it’s the artificial version people want to be friends with rather than the genuine you, which can lead to anxiety and resentment. Constantly projecting an image of yourself that isn’t authentic also takes energy and effort, so social events can be exhausting.
Sometimes, keeping up a pretense can even leave you feeling disingenuous, which perpetuates a sense that who you really are isn’t good enough.
How to recognise the impact of social masking
This new way of being might make you feel more anxious in the short term. To help you through this transition you could try managing the anticipatory anxiety by playing energetic, uplifting music while getting ready, or repeating an affirming mantra before leaving the house, such as: “I am free to be myself.” When you’re back home, make your assessment of the event more productive by journalling or recording a voice note detailing all your feelings about it. Then recuperate with a warm drink, relaxing bath, or a comfy pair of PJs.
Over time, seeing when it’s necessary to camouflage (and when it isn’t) will come more naturally. Your self-esteem and confidence will grow as you realise that people still want to spend time with you no matter how shy, eccentric, or otherwise authentic you are. Social camouflage is a natural and inevitable part of life, but using it as an optional tool rather than an essential crutch means you have ultimate control.
Steps to reveal your true self in social situations
If you feel ready to begin to break cover, here are some tips on how to do it, small step by small step:
- Identify the person with whom you feel most comfortable in a social situation and start by being a bit more natural with them. Open up to them about your worries about not being your true self and ask if they could bear with you while you peel away the protective layers.
- Once you’ve built up your confidence, try being your authentic self with someone in whose company you feel a little less comfortable. Work your way through different people and social situations.
- You might feel vulnerable without your usual armour in place, so prepare by building up your inner social coach. Talk to yourself in a positive, encouraging way. If you find this difficult to do, imagine yourself as a child going into the situation – what would you say to encourage and support the younger version of you?
- Most communication is non-verbal. At home, practise standing tall and looking up and out. Rehearse slow, deep breathing to calm your body and mind. Use these techniques when you’re out and about.
Prompts to guide your authenticity in social situations
Use these prompts to organise your thoughts about when and how you use masking, and to brainstorm ways you could be more authentic:
- Who I’m with.
- What social camouflage am I using? (For example, changing my voice, copying others’ body language, concealing my real views.)
- What can I do instead? (For example, make sure I sit alongside someone I feel comfortable with, focus on being in my own body, be kind and honest about my opinion.)
‘The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are’ ~ Joseph Campbell
