We often seek to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, but could this mean our experience is being sidelined by a binary perspective?
There’s no question that a cheerful disposition can enhance physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, but there is a danger in demonising less comfortable feelings.
The idea that it’s not OK to be angry, sad, jealous, or afraid falls short of the mark. These are valuable navigational tools. They let us know that something isn’t quite right, identify areas that need attention, and propel us in the direction of a happier, more meaningful life. Sweeping the tough stuff under the carpet denies the opportunity to make deep and powerful adaptations and, instead, allows it to fester unseen.
There isn’t a one-size-suits-all mindset, but there are ways it can be refined to make it appropriate for your life. Here, we explore some of the tools you might use to do this and how to chart your own map of positivity.
1. Avoid suppressing negative thoughts
The thoughts that pop into your head provide valuable insight into deeply held beliefs. They’re invitations to tackle underlying issues. Attempting to ignore them or push them away can have a similar effect to digging up unwanted weeds without tackling the roots. Until you get to the end, they will continue to grow back. Next time you find yourself being pessimistic or critical, get curious. You could explore what you’re thinking about yourself or a situation and ask yourself why you’re feeling this way. The process might, for example, reflect this pattern:
- Thought: “I’m never going to finish this task!”
- Feelings: Stress and a sense of being overwhelmed.
- Question: Is your thought 100 percent accurate or might there be a truer or more compassionate view?
- Updated thought: “It might take some time, but I will get this task finished.”
Notice how this new thought feels. You can tinker with it, until it feels better.
2. See the reality
Over-the-top optimism can feel precarious if it has no foundation in truth. A confident and experienced person walking into an interview, for example, might tell themselves the job is theirs, visualising themselves already ensconced in the role. The positive focus and convincing air of confidence this affords them might well bring success.
But what happens when someone with less experience adopts the same approach? The affirmation might ring hollow for them and prove less likely to get the same results. That said, telling themselves they had no chance of getting the job would be to ignore their many suitable qualities and also lack truth. In this case, a flexible optimism might be more appropriate, one that acknowledges the skills and traits that make a person a good fit for the job and recognises the value of the experience no matter the result.
There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging areas that require improvement, but go easy on yourself. Through compassionate and constructive reflection, you can chart an innovative course.
3. Develop mental agility
If you’ve found yourself reeling from far-fetched affirmations to self-deprecation, you might be falling prey to black-and-white thinking. It’s important to remember there’s a rainbow of other colours too. It’s rare for situations or events to be all or nothing.
If you find you’re using words such as “always” and “never”, you might be making generalisations. Ask yourself honestly: “Do good things really never happen to me?” It’s important to assess things as they are, not better and not worse. Recognise your strengths as well as areas for improvement.
4. Know it takes more than thinking
Positivity is tangible, not abstract. Visualisations and affirmations alone will not herald results. Think of it in the same way as using a navigation system. The mere act of typing in your destination won’t get you there. Sadly, this type of teleportation only exists in the realms of Star Trek. Instead, becoming clear on where you want to go and who you want to be will provide orientation.
With that in place, you can make your way in the right direction, utilising your wisdom, skills, and willpower. One of the most important lessons that GPS teaches is that no matter how many times you veer off course or make a mistake you can recalculate and keep going. You still know where you’re heading. And if you change your mind about where you want to go, that’s OK, too.
5. Remember it’s not all about you
Often, in the quest for a personally effective mindset, it’s easy to become introspective, poring over thoughts and actions, cheering yourself on or tearing yourself down. It’s important to step back and examine the bigger picture. That might mean looking at the other people and factors involved in a situation or thinking about ways you might help others.
Remembering you’re part of something much bigger can sometimes help to lift the weight from your shoulders. It can help to recognise and harness your skills while acknowledging the ways in which collaborating with others can propel you forward. If you’re working on a project at work, for example, it can be more helpful to look at how your particular skillset fits in than to buoy yourself with generic proclamations like “I have limitless potential” and “I am successful”. Focusing less on yourself and more on the task at hand can make it easier to separate your self-worth from the outcome. If the project is successful, fantastic; if not, you can take this feedback and use it to inform your next steps.
6. Recognise the things you can’t control
There are situations in life that can’t be changed, no matter how rosy your outlook. Sometimes terrible things happen and it’s important to know you didn’t invite them into your life because you weren’t vigilant enough in your thinking. When faced with illness, bereavement, trauma, or any of life’s arbitrary blows, cheeriness won’t be the answer for the vast majority.
Instead, the positive emotion or approach here might be to sit with these feelings and work through them. It can be helpful to look at the way you’re thinking and see if there are any adjustments that could be made. The loss of a loved one, for example, is heartbreaking and out of your control. You don’t have to be OK with it but choosing to remember all you’ve gained through loving them might begin to bring subtle shifts in your grief.
7. When it all gets too much
There will be times in most people’s lives when they – or someone they love – need help to get back on track. When this happens, it can be helpful to reach out for support. You can see your GP or healthcare provider, or get in touch with a mental health platform like beyondblue.org.au.
